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So, this week I went to Jasper with my mom for a few days. It was a good time and I wish we'd stayed longer... though that would have worked best if I'd brought my laptop! I'm glad to have had a few days off the internet, though, and I am really glad we went.

I took loads of pictures because my mother foolishly granted me control of the camera. Mwahaha!

Tuesday )

Wednesday! )

Thursday )
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I think my medication has started to work. It's not exactly an obvious effect, but to quote Disney, there's something there that wasn't there before: a drive, an ability to do things without working myself up for two hours. I've done dishes two days in a row without making a fuss in my head or getting upset about how to organize them. It's just not as hard as it was last week.

Maybe some of it's because last week I was PMSing, but it was hard the week before that and the week before that. Is this wishful thinking? Maaaaybe. But if it's a placebo effect, it's still helping so I'll take it.

I'm going to give Camp NaNoWriMo another try. I'll write about dragons this month and see where we end up.

Current Word Count: 0
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So I got dumped on Friday, although I've been saying that I was broken up with, because it lacks some of the harshness that 'dumped' seems to convey- it's just that 'broken up with' sounds really awkward.

I'm not really sure how I feel about it. I'm sad, yeah- I'm not heart-broken, because I wasn't madly in love with her. I liked her a lot and I wanted to see where things could go. The break-up was just a matter of bad timing and circumstances: she has more shit in her life than she needs, and handling a girlfriend was just too much for her.

Part of me is telling me that it's my fault, that I should have supported her better and helped her more, but I'm ignoring that part. She didn't say anything about that, so it's obviously not true, right? It's just my jerkbrain being a jerk. If I keep saying that enough I'll believe it.

I believe there's, like, supposed to be a week where I eat nothing but ice cream and chocolate, watch romantic movies, and listen to Adele. I did eat an entire bag of potato chips on Friday night (and listen to Adele), but other than that, I think I'm handling it okay. I am not happy, I'm not. But I'm managing.
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I had a conversation with my mother about vitamins, diet, and medication just a couple of minutes ago. It's really frustrating, both to try to explain to her and to try to understand it myself: I don't want to take vitamins or change my diet. Why not, if they could help me feel better? Shouldn't I want to do anything?

There's a whole bunch of guilt wound up in the vitamins and diet that doesn't come up when discussing medication. If I can cure my depression and ADHD by eating better and taking vitamins, that means I'm not really sick, right? Obviously the cure was at my fingertips the whole time and I just was too bad of a person to see it. I don't want it to work, because that would mean I've been faking it this whole time.

Depression, practically by definition, comes with a shitload of guilt and self-blame over things that may or may not be my fault (I have a biased perspective here, obviously, writing from the inside) and a lot of them are about not being really sick, just lazy/an attention seeker/a bad person. Admitting that diet and vitamins and exercise could help feels like admitting that I'm just a terrible person.

Medication is a lot safer. If you take medication, it means there's something wrong with you. Healthy people take vitamins and then drink wheatgrass juice and jog out the door with a big smile or something. Sick people take meds.

So by choosing to side with medication rather than vitamins, I'm siding with safety, with validating my own emotions and feelings. It's annoying, though, because there's always the shadow of the vitamins, haunting my brain, whispering that I'm not sick, that if I took them I could be healthy.

I don't know what to do about that.
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Urged by the need to have a journal in which I actually write, I've created a new one. Everyone says journaling can help you deal with emotions and I guess we'll have to see. I'm starting on a new course of self-improvement, or at least self-care- I don't know if I want to get better, or at least I don't know if I can. I'm just trying to keep my head above water.

In the interests of that, I went to get medication again. Antidepressants, what fun! My psychiatrist was a bit patronizing about it, telling me that if I just waited and kept taking them I'd feel better. I've been on and off them about half a dozen times now- they do help, they actually do. I just stop taking them after a while. But I think framing it not as trying to get better but just taking care of myself might help.

We'll see, I guess. After I get to a stable dose on the antidepressants, I'm going to start ADHD medication, a different one than last time. Hopefully that will help me get some of my shit in order, because otherwise I don't have much of a hope of surviving the school year.

My classes this year are:

Beginners' Norwegian I: Monday/Wednesday/Friday 10-10:50, Tuesday/Thursday 9:30-10:50
Reading Histories: Making Books: Tuesday/Thursday 11-12:20
Early 20th Century Literature and Culture: Drama: Monday/Wednesday/Friday 12-12:50
Introduction to Popular Music: Monday/Wednesday/Friday 2-2:50
Mysticism and Negative Theology: Tuesday/Thursday 2-4:50

It's a pretty heavy schedule, but I'm looking forward to it. I ran into some problems planning out because Past Me makes questionable life choices about which English classes to take... not that I regret taking Old English, Chaucer, and general Medieval Texts, but apparently it's a lot smarter to just take one.

Also it might be better to avoid skipping all the 200-level courses in favour of the 300-level courses because they actually make you take those. Weird.

Anyways, it's a bit later and I did something fun today: I watched Legend of Korra! The whoooole thing. My brother's girlfriend is in California and he likes to socialize, so I went over and watched it with him. It was a good time- I have heard less-than-great things about it from The Internet, but I really liked it. I think the fast pacing worked well with watching it in quick succession.

Bolin is a perfect human being, and Lin Bei Fong is my goddess.


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August 2012

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